The Bothersome Nose: Tales of a Greasy Git
by TheInsomniacsGuild
Summary: Follow Severus Snape, a sufferer of an abnormally large nose, on various exploits throughout his life.
1. Chapter 1

The Bothersome Nose: Tales of a Greasy Git

By: Ceyl the Intelligent and RenTheGenius

_A collection of fanfiction pieces centered around Severus Snape._

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling holds full property of Severus Snape, his abnormally large nose, and any grease that may accompany his person. She owns all of the other characters and settings as well; may she be blessed with the necessary quantity of shampoo to impress the value of hygiene upon her less-than-fresh characters.

**

Severus Snape, a third year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was quickly fleeing down the Transfiguration corridor, trying desperately to inspect his toenails but finding himself incapable due to the vast size of his nose. He was concerned that they had been cursed off earlier that day during a charms lesson by a certain James Potter, the bane of his existence. Though, he had yet found the time to remove his leopard-printed socks that he had received for Christmas by his Great Aunt Smellga, who he had unfortunately inherited his nose from.

Running into the first empty classroom he could find, Severus quickly removed the leopard-patterned socks to find that he still could not see his toes due to the abnormally large growth that seemed to be protruding out of his head between his eyeballs. Soon, he began to contemplate the purpose of noses and why he was born with one so disfigured.

The long, wooden Transfiguration desks were a most useful location for studying ones toes at a variety of complicated angles. However, Severus, much to his general dismay, was unsuccessful in all respects. Thus, he briefly considered asking Professor McGonagall to transfigure his nose into something smaller and less obnoxious, but he thought better of it. Severus then dropped his wand, which he had been twirling absentmindedly through his fingers. He bent down to retrieve it, only to find that he could not see that properly as well. At that point, he had had enough. He pointed his wand at his nose and, with all of the instruction in transfiguration he had ever reserved rushing urgently to the forefront of his mind, he began to mutter a hopeful incantation. Luckily, a sudden crash echoed through the room just before he finished uttering the spell.

Looking about to see what had disturbed his careful examination of his feet, Severus found none other than Sirius Black, one of his arch nemeses, staring back at him with a faceful of laughter. He was soon followed by a rather angry looking Professor McGonagall. Sirius looked upon the scene before him incredulously. Anyone else would have too if he had found an incredibly greasy git with an abnormally large nose perched atop a transfiguration desk with no socks and inspecting his feet; especially if the someone happened to be his favorite target, Snivellus Snape. Professor McGonagall's cross expression quickly turned to one of irritated confusion.

Sirius, being himself, could not believe his luck. Here he was being dragged to a detention he had received moments before for blowing up an unused cauldron, only to find that not only did he get to do boring work while tormenting his Transfiguration professor, but he was also being supplied with more ammunition to use against his enemy.

Unable to resist, Sirius said, "Hello, Snivellus. Fancy seeing you here. Though I can perfectly understand that you are inspecting your toes for further stores of grease (though I daresay you don't need anymore), I must inquire as to why you have leopard patterned socks." While at the same time Professor McGonagall demanded, "Snape, what in the name of Merlin are you doing?"

"I—er, I was just—well, I, er—sorry, Professor," Severus stammered quietly, as he quickly stored his wand that had been brandished before his nose only seconds before.

Professor McGonagall studied him irritably.

"Mr. Black, do mind your own business and get to scrubbing the desks, as I had instructed you. You are in detention, and I will see to it that you will not find yourself entertained whatsoever during the course of your _punishment_," she snapped and rounded on Severus. "And, as for you, Mr. Snape, please collect your things and kindly wait in the hallway."

Severus obliged, his ears burning with embarrassment and frustration with Professor McGonagall for having assigned Sirius detention in that classroom at the exact same time he had chosen to occupy it for a rather awkward purpose. More episodes of impatience on the part of Professor McGonagall unfolded, largely due to a fresh, persistent complaint by Sirius that the desks were now infinitely more polluted and greasy since Severus had been perched atop of them. Cleaning, consequently, had become what he reasoned to be a much too intricate of a process to be fair for a standard detention sentence. Severus's transfiguration professor finally emerged from her classroom as Sirius's arguments subsided into an indignant grumble.

"Mr. Snape, I would be very pleased if you would explain to me why you were in my classroom on a Saturday afternoon. While you are at it, you might inform me why you were pointing your wand at your nose as well," she ordered firmly, an annoyed and perplexed look consuming her face.

"I was not doing anything wrong, and I was hardly there at all," Severus defended as he struggled to pull his a sock over his toes, the state of which still being questionable. "There are not any grounds to punish me, Professor."

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows at Severus sternly and examined him for a moment.

"Well, it is clear that you will not be telling me what you were up to, whatever it was. However, Mr. Snape, I would suggest that you proceed to the hospital wing immediately. If you were in the possession of any toenails before, you certainly aren't now."

**A/N:**_ To explain the quality and categorization of this piece, we thought you may find our thought process interesting- if not mildly frightening. If you do not find it the least bit intriguing, do not be hesitant to skip over it; you will not be missing any plot details, rather a slightly traumatizing experience._

_The last bit of this story was written by me, RenTheGenius. However, a lot of the annotations in the author's notes, which I do hope you do not find too disturbing, are courtesy of Ceyl the Intelligent. You see, as this was our first fanfiction, I decided to write down whatever came out of her mouth until we obtained an idea. That did not take too terribly long, fortunately. However, it did take a bit of time for her to realize that I actually was documenting her every move. She did consent to allowing the author's notes to be unedited for this installment, but I have a feeling she will be more selective about her choice of words, as well as lyric-reciting, next time. _

_-Well, aren't you going to say something?-Ceyl the Intelligent_

_-Your turn. This is going to sound like such a – what's the word for it? :dramatic finger holding… of an appropriate finger… and shaking of such. And eyebrow raising and laughing: - Ceyl the Intelligent_

_-It is you turn now so type. Baby you can drive my CAR…what?! You're writing everything I say again, aren't you?! :storms off… dancing… (me: er—ok.) Oh no! Crap… that dancing thing brought to mind the song… NO NONO! The dancing Queen... oh my gosh… baby you can drive my car…and baby I love you…- Ceyl the Intelligent_

_-:Standing and swaying… a lot!: :biting of the lip while skipping and dancing: (now she is glaring at me…hehehe…though she now looks contemplative: authors note – this will be s short paragraph…. For context ……. –RenTheGenius_

_-:falls to the floor…: Er—an idea! Oh, my gosh! I wonder if we sound smart in this or just downright stupid. I think we sound like intelligent stupid people. Well, I'm starting a file for __Dudley's Secret Passions__ :that would be the newest fanfiction we are jointly writing: I have an idea, actually.-Ceyl the Intelligent_

_-I'm rereading this paragraph. I kind of set it up for you so you can write about examples. (this is in reference to the other fanfiction we are currently writing) I' m Coming :stares intently at the screen: Ok I'm done. The monkey is dancing. OW! Ok that's good. I am back now; they were trying to attack me with a flirting monkey. – RenTheGenius_

**Additional Notification/Disclaimer:**_ The disjointed lyrics belong to The Beatles, and correspond with their song "Drive My Car" from the album __Rubber Soul__, which we own nothing of. I would suggest you listen to the song if you are interested, or any of The Beatles songs for that matter, as they are awesome._


	2. Snivellus: A Very Rare Species of Bat

Snivellus: A Very Rare Species of Bat

By: Ceyl the Intelligent and RenTheGenius

Disclaimer: We in no way own or claim to have entitlement to any of the Harry Potter themes or characters, though we may be unhealthily attached to some of them. However, we feel we reserve the right to exploit any connections of any characters to certain species of flying nocturnal mammals for our own personal amusement. Yes, our lives are that boring, thank you very much, and we would assume J.K. Rowling has more productive ways of spending her time, such as swimming in pools of her vast sums of money.

**

It had finally come. It was the day first-year Severus Snape had dreaded most: his first flying lesson at Hogwarts. Worst of all, the Slytherins were paired with none other than the Gryffindors, meaning Severus would surely embarrass himself in front of James Potter and Sirius Black, two individuals who had already managed to expose Severus's fear of Chocolate Frogs and slip one into his bag of quills in two days time. Of course, such knowledge wasn't very impressive anymore, taking into account the incident on the previous Thursday in which the entirety of the Ravenclaw first years witnessed Severus's dramatic plunge into the Black Lake when he discovered the perpetrating charmed candy. He could only imagine what sort of unperceivable horror would await him on such an already ominous day.

Arriving at the ghastly lesson, the Slytherins, as usual, arrived on time, unlike the Gryffindors who, in all of their wonderfulness, had to arrive fashionably late. The laughing pack of monsters known to the world as the heroic Gryffindors were led like sheep by none other than his arch nemeses, James Potter and Sirius Black. Neglecting to observe that the Slytherins were also talking, Snape sneered when Madam Hooch yelled for them all to quiet down because the noisy, arrogant Gryffindors couldn't stop showing off. After staring at Lily for awhile, Snape shook his head. He, Severus Snape, Slytherin, heir to the Prince family and the resident greasy potions and defense whiz, was gawking at a mudblooded redhead from Gryffindor, and no matter how pretty she was, Slytherins, and particularly he, did not gawk. Beginning to focus on the lesson, Severus realized that he had missed half the instructions.

It didn't seem too hard to get the broom to rise into his hand, though it did take a few tries. Much to his ire, it only took Potter once. Potter managed to stop his gloating about how wonderful he was on a broom long enough to point at Severus and say to Black, "Can't wait to see Snivellus try to fly. I bet he won't even get into the air 'cause he is weighed down by so much grease." This caused the Gryffindor flock to laugh hysterically. Snape retaliated: "I'm willing to bet that you don't even need a broom to fly, Potty; your head is so over-inflated with air that all you need to do is jump and the wind will take over from there." At that point, the instructor interrupted.

"Now, I want you all to push off from the ground hard. Hover there for a few seconds and then touch back down. On my whistle, three, two, one," and then Madam Hooch blew the whistle, unleashing a detrimental chain of events.

All of the students pushed off from the ground. While most hovered there just as instructed, Severus noted to his growing horror that the ground was getting farther away. The broom eventually leveled out and launched itself like a javelin at the castle walls, almost as if it had some sort of personal vendetta with the castle itself. Crashing into the wall, the Castle obviously was offended at the assault and pushed back, the force of which propelling Snape off of the broom and into the air. His black cloak spread out like wings around him and he flew, almost elegantly, through the air. For some unknown reason, he managed to remain airborne for a minute or two, long enough for Snape to notice how small everyone looked from this altitude and for him to mutter "I hate flying" while Sirius Black shouted from below, "Look everyone. It's a Snivellus, a rare species of bat," after he, like everyone else saw the obvious resemblance between Snape and the flying mammal. His large, hooked nose, black hair and eyes, and his black cloak which now looked like black wings made the resemblance to the animal all the more obvious.

It was not long, however, until Severus's less-than-peaceful, but so far not painful, flying excursion turned for the worst. With a deafening crash, Severus collided with a rapidly-approaching window, and the sheer force of the impact caused the window to shatter. Severus's momentum was agonizingly cut off by the stone floor in the room he had unwillingly entered. Luckily, the floor did not respond with as much offense as the wall had.

Severus looked up and, to his extreme displeasure, noted which room he had intruded upon: Professor McGonagall's office. The Transfiguration professor sat at her desk, one eyebrow raised, and glared at him over her square-framed glasses.

"Mr. Snape?" she said questioningly.

"Flying lessons," he grimaced angrily, trying to get up from the ground.

"Is that so? Well, I suggest you practice a bit harder before you single-handedly demolish the castle. You may proceed to the hospital wing."

**

**A/N: **This author's note was written several days after the fanfiction story, so I decided it would be amusing for you to see how indecisive Ceyl is. This is an example of what happens when she is prompted with the question of what should be in the author's note.

Ceyl: I don't know.

Ren: Come on think of something.

Ceyl: Okay, I'm trying. It's just, I don't know… you're normally the one who normally does the… er, you know…er, disclaimer! We need a disclaimer!

Ren: Okay, I'll try to think.

Ceyl: I like Elton John.

: Ren stares in order to provoke further comments because the author's note would be too short otherwise:

Ceyl: :looks murderously after finally figuring it out: Are you writing everything I say?

Ren: Yes.

Ceyl: :groans: You're impossible. :laughs:

Ren: Do you have anything redeeming to say?

Ceyl: About who?

Ren: About you. Since I was writing everything you said. No edits. Never. That would be too easy.

Ceyl: :reads above: I am not indecisive! :slams fist: Dunderheads. I'm turning into Snape! NO! Oh, Snape could be fun. I could go around and justify the fact that I'm nasty to everyone. Oh my God. :laughs: Are you enjoying yourself?

Ren: :after typing quite a bit and thinking of what to say: Yes.

Ceyl: Do realize that Snape probably would have said something much worse than calling them a bunch of dunderheads? He probably just says that because he has to keep it school-appropriate.


	3. The End of Dignity

The End of Dignity

**A/N:**This chapter is a companion piece to the first chapter of Legends of a Lemon Drop Lover. You can read this on its own, but we recommend that you read Legends first.

Disclaimer: We hold no title to Harry Potter and its associated characters and themes. Even the ones that a person would rather not discuss in a public setting.

It was a horrid, despicable day – a day that Severus looked forward to with dread. It was a day which, most unfortunately, came once a year, every year, and he had no excuse – no reason – for missing it. He couldn't claim that he was ill; he was never ill, nor could he claim to be visiting a relative, for all of his were dead. No one would believe him if he claimed to have a significant other. No, he would be forced to participate in the unpleasant, nasty, simply ghastly tradition of the "staff" gift exchange. This gift exchange always turned into Dumbledore giving everyone gifts while the staff would try to pacify his Christmas spirit while not encouraging it.

One Severus Snape was the last to enter the colorfully-decorated room. It was part of the tradition; Severus would wait as long as possible trying to postpone the inevitable before he could work up the courage to face the disgustingly cheerful antics of the deranged Headmaster.

Being particularly careful to scowl at everything that moved (just to make sure he had thoroughly communicated his displeasure), he sidled into the room while trying not to draw Dumbledore's attention unto himself.

That worked about as well as trying to keep Dumbledore from lemon drops, because twinkling blue eyes latched onto Severus and were accompanied by a sickeningly jovial voice, "Ah. There you are Severus, my boy. Now that you have been found, we can begin."

This announcement was greeted with what were supposed to be sounds of agreement, but they came out like groans.

And so the torture began.

Severus was surprised, most everything was seemingly normal this year; it was this fact that made him suspicious. Most years, everyone got it pretty bad from Dumbledore, but there was usually one teacher that got singled out for the most embarrassing gift of the year, and Severus had been lucky so far.

The year he had started teaching, Minerva was given catnip, a litter box, scratching post, ball of yarn, and an instruction book on cat care. This was one of Dumbledore's more comical gifts. Last year, Sinistra had not gotten as lucky as Minerva. Upon unwrapping the spherical package, she gave a small gasp of shock and refused to answer any questions from the other professors, preferring to glare at the Headmaster. Unfortunately for her, the Headmaster supplied an answer to the queries: "It's a comprehensive model of Uranus complete with zooming function and –"

No one listened after that, trying to decide whether Dumbledore had done this on purpose, or if he was actually well-meaning.

And that was what had Severus so suspicious, because this year the worst gift was the stilts that Dumbledore had given to Filius, and those weren't embarrassing, just tacky. That left Severus as being the only teacher, barring the Defense teacher, to have avoided being given the embarrassing gift of the year.

He knew the minute Dumbledore set his stupid, twinkling eyes on him that this was his year; this was it, the end of his dignity.

Severus could have sworn that Dumbledore's mouth twitched as he handed him a package wrapped in lemon yellow paper. "And lastly, Severus. Well, go on, my boy, it's not going to eat you."

Severus would have preferred if it had.

He slowly removed the blinding paper, holding his breath, but knowing that it was pointless. Deciding to spare himself a long, drawn out torture, Severus closed his eyes and quickly lifted whatever it was out of the paper.

He was not surprised when his colleagues gasped. What did surprise him was that whatever was in his hands was soft and smelled faintly of lemons. He opened his eyes to see what could have inspired such a silent reaction from the other teachers; it was like they were waiting for a bomb to go off, not that he would admit to knowing about the muggle invention. He wished he had kept his eyes closed, because there in front of him, held up for all of his colleagues to see, were boxers. THE BOXERS. The ones that were a horrible shade of lime green and had yellow lemons on them.

Severus looked up from his spot leaning against the wall to stare at Dumbledore. Dumbledore merely smiled and said, "I knew you were looking at them in the candy store, and I thought they would be a lovely way to brighten up your wardrobe. I guessed at your size, buy you really are quite skinny underneath those robes; you really should eat more. But, I guessed that those would be your size, and they smell like lemons. Aren't they simply delightful!"

Everyone stared at Severus in shock and anticipation. Everyone except for Minerva, who was trying to hide her laughter in a cup of tea and failing horribly, as the tea spilt over, and she had to mutter a charm to clean it up.

Severus looked down at the hideous . . . things again, contemplating what to do with them, when the wardrobe in the corner fell open, revealing Potter and Weasley. They stared up at him with wide eyes until Minerva pounced on them and began ushering them out of the room yelling something about detention. But everyone still heard Potter's uncharacteristic squeak which was followed by Weasley's comment, "Just be glad he isn't a briefs' man."

And with that Severus banged his head against the wall, all semblance of dignity lost.

**A/N:**

_Ren: I think this enough for this story._

_Ceyl: M'hmm._

_Ren: What are you looking at?_

_Ceyl: What? I've got part of the thing done, just did the "Perhaps they laced them with something… anything from Calming Draughts, to Amorentia, to Veritaserum :waves hands as if she is possessed: and then McGonagall's like :points finger in agreement:, "there's the store." It's short, but it works._

_[Believe it or not, we were actually still adding to Legends of a Lemon Drop Lover at this point. This story was finished before certain middle-parts of its prequel of sorts, but the concept was all we needed to, err – create.]_

_Ceyl: This is kind of uncharacteristic for Snape, but the whole idea of Snape freaking about the possibility of what Dumbledore is lacing the lemon drops with :quotes a large portion of what she has just written in that paragraph: seems fitting._

_Ren: :nods intermittently to distract Ceyl from the fact that she is writing the authors' note without her knowing… again:_

_Ren: Say something profound._

_Ceyl: :blinks: Giving Snape boxers is bad._

_Ren: :laughs: I said 'profound', not 'obvious'._

_Ceyl: Define "profound" then._

_Ren: Something…that…(dramatic pause)…is not obvious._

_Ceyl: Profound. Hmm – what are you writing?! :discovers the authors' note: Hey! Not fair!_

_Ren: I am found out. Authors' note is over._

_Ceyl: I am still trying to think of something profound…_


End file.
